Trying This Again

I may or not be back to blogging. I don’t know yet.

I ended kind of abruptly (in the middle of a series, no less) for a few reasons. First of all, trying to graduate from law school and plan a wedding in the same month eats up a lot of time and is every bit as stressful as it sounds. Secondly, I started this blog just to help me articulate some of those thoughts tumbling around in my head, and I was starting to feel like I didn’t need to do that anymore. In hindsight, I think I was so busy trying to juggle intestacy statutes and flowers and foreign policy and music and appellate procedure and thank you notes that I just didn’t have enough neurons left for anything else. Maybe I do still need this. And maybe I’d like to keep it up even if I don’t need it. We’ll see.

I also didn’t think I could justify spending time on blogging while I studied for the bar exam. If I could go back in time, though, I’d tell the me of two months ago that this absolutely a worthwhile investment and she should make time to do it. If nothing else, it would keep her out of the ER.

Yes, that’s right. I went to the emergency room last week when I started having convulsions. They were almost like little mini-seizures, and they were pretty scary. I couldn’t seem to hold onto anything, my arms were flailing, my teeth were chattering, and we had no idea why. I’d already made an appoint with my doctor about the back pain that had been bothering me for weeks, but this seemed a little more urgent.

Several hours and a Valium IV later, we found out I’d been doing it to myself. Apparently I was getting so worked up over this stupid exam that I gave myself some pretty epic anxiety. It’s hard to say which I felt more of: relief or embarrassment. It’s not like I’ve never gotten stressed out before, and I even had occasional panic attacks as a teenager, but this was the first time anything like this had happened. The weird thing is, I didn’t even think I was that worked up about it. Nervous, sure, but I’ve felt a hell of a lot more nervous about other things in the past without anything like this happening. It’s just been a weird feeling.

I’ve spent the past week basically incapacitated. I wasn’t excited about losing that much study time, but I actually do feel like I have a pretty good handle on the material. Besides, I think it was better to take a break and ease back in than to end up in the hospital. A week of rest, tranquilizers and video games was probably more helpful than obsessively reviewing outlines and answering more practice questions. At least I hope so.

So what does this have to with my blog? I don’t know. Maybe nothing. But if that lovely episode was caused by extreme anxiety, that may be a sign that I have too many thoughts in my head and need to get some of them out. It may be sporadic for the next few weeks; I’m trying to put as little pressure on myself as possible right now. I’ve made the following temporary changes: cutting back my studying to only a few hours per day, trying to ease back into some low-impact exercise, working with my natural screwed-up sleep schedule rather than trying to force myself to be a morning person, and quitting alcohol and caffeine. It’s weird. I cry a lot, and occasionally I still shake. I’d see a psychiatrist if I could afford it, but it’s not covered by my health insurance and right now we can barely pay the rent. My husband put a playlist of music from our wedding on my iPod, and that helps calm me down sometimes. I have lawyer friends who have told me I can do this, that I’ll be fine, and that actually being a lawyer won’t be nearly as stressful as this. I’ll be okay. I’m not okay just yet, but I’m feeling better today than I have in nearly a month. I’ll be fine.

Sorry to be so depressing. Eventually I’d like to finish the series I was working on and review a book or two, but for now I may just be sorting out some of crap that keeps bouncing around in my head and making me sick. I’ve hardly shaken at all since I started writing this post, which leads me to believe it was a good idea. That means I’ll probably keep at it. I’ll get better, and if you happen to see me in court someday, you’ll have no idea you’re looking at someone who nearly had a mental breakdown over a stupid test. That’s just not who I am.

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